Most people who have met me will immediately understand that I am neurodivergent. To some, that means I come across as highly expressive, passionate, or engaged. To others I might seem wired, excitable, or overly talkative.

I've been told more than once that I am very good at understanding and explaining complex concepts with analogies or descriptions, but I can run the risk of over-explaining, depending on the audience.

People may notice that my ideas or discussions seem to veer off in an unexpected direction, because my mind tends to want to leap ahead and run with an idea, before my mouth has a chance to explain the connection. I work hard to keep my mind in the present, because if I jump too far ahead, I'm relying on assumptions.

I've taken to scribbling or sketching my ideas and questions down, so I can revisit them later. Of course, from the outside, this can make me appear distracted or inattentive.

I've been thinking about this phenomenon, and how it comes across to others, after I recently came across an interesting post on a social platform. It was written by someone who was in a leadership position at a large company, and it highlighted the importance of how you present yourself through your behaviour in the workplace.

They explained how people should be engaged and present during social interactions (they used a meeting, as an example) because this shows respect to those around you. Inversely, they stated that if a worker entered the same meeting displaying distracted or distant behaviour, like looking at their phone, then this indicates that the person in front of them is not as important as whatever they are doing.

Naturally, I understand and agree with the broad sentiment. The care and intention we bring into interactions absolutely matters. A person's presence can fundamentally shape trust between them, their colleagues, and their leaders. What compelled me to respond to the post, however, was the absolutes with which the argument, and its points, were presented.

As someone who is part of, and an advocate for, the neurodivergant community, I did feel the need to add a few caveats to the statements.

I think that in an inclusive workplace, it’s important to distinguish between genuinely disrespectful behaviour and behaviour that may be easy to misread as disrespect.

I want to explain my point using clever analogy I found in an Instagram sketch on the subject.

A neurotypical brain often has a relatively ordered and consistent hierarchy of what needs their immediate attention at any given time. It’s the mental list of ‘things you need to do’, updated in real-time with ‘things going on around you’. On a phone call, then a meeting starts? The meeting moves cleanly to the top of the list. You hang up, look up, smile, switch gears.

For some neurodivergent people, that same list exists, but the items can become tangled or layered on top of one another. For me, sometimes when a new priority appears, it’s like the item it’s trying to replace doesn’t move out of the way. To prevent all the items dissolving into noise, my brain often panics and tries lock onto one task (typically the one it was already trying to complete) to avoid losing the thread. From the outside, that can look distracted, rude, or disengaged.

It has never meant that I consider the person or situation in front of me as less important. My priority system has just momentarily glitched out. After a few moments of panic, typically logic and social etiquette takes over, the system resets and the items un-jumble themselves. 

(Cue immediate guilt, while my brain records the experience in excruciating detail to resurface at 3am for the next five to seven years).

Now, this isn’t about giving anyone a free pass to ignore others. Admittedly, in my case, better planning can often avoid those glitches. For that reason, I need to work hard on it every day. I use tools like reminders, transition time, written notes, and early timers to help me shift attention before meetings or conversations.

What it is about, is being mindful of the story and intent we attach to someone else’s behaviour. Presence matters, yes. But so does curiosity. Sometimes what looks like a lack of care is actually someone working with a very complex system you can’t see.